I’m not going to comment on the liturgical judgement here but as a poetic expression, I think this text is beautiful (minus the awkwardness near the end). I love the line: “There’s more in here than you think” [!]. It reminds me of older English translations of the sequence for Corpus Christi.

“This bread we share is my body you see
Take it and eat it in memory of me”
And after they ate, he picked up a drink
And said, “There’s more in here than you think
This is My Blood that I give for you
And for those who think their life is through
Because they sin, they should be living
And remember our God is always forgiving.”

Via: The Living Church